Letting it Go~ The Power of Forgiveness

26 September, 2014 by 2 Comments

I promise I haven’t abandoned you. I’ve just come to the realization that writing regularly on a blog and writing a book while having a job and the responsibility of a family is just about impossible for me. But in teaching the 10th grade girls  small group at church, we are doing a series called “Letting it Go” about the importance of forgiveness. So I’m sharing the information with you that we are studying on Sunday nights. This is a great resource geared specifically for parents… for teaching your children about forgiveness, and possibly learning a bit yourself.

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

“I just can’t let it go.” “They don’t deserve to be forgiven.” “It hurts too much to move on.” Maybe you’ve heard your children say something like this in the midst of pain, frustration and anger towards someone who has hurt them—or maybe you’ve said or thought something similar yourself. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt us is never easy. So why does it matter so much that we do it? How do we know when we should do it? And how do we know we have actually healed from the pain an offense has caused? How do we simply let it go?

2. Be a Student of Your Student

I can think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry” often feels like it costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix it, instead of intentional reconciliation.

Unfortunately, not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know that they are the one who did something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.

Saying I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry.”

What is it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology and the one actually apologizing?

To understand this a bit more, we want to share some excerpts from an article entitled “The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it’s worth it, on both ends” by Beverly Engel featured in Psychology Today in June 2013, and taken from the book The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel: (To read the full article, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/the-power-apology.)

As you read, try to focus on the bolded words—on what giving an apology does—and try to imagine these action words taking place in the context of your relationship with your son or daughter:

“Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones….

So, the next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker a friend or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to stay connected to and vulnerable with that person is on the line too. The words “I’m sorry” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!

3. Action Point

The action point for this series is pretty straightforward: Apologize to your child.

But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?

First of all, admit that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally. And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions is incredibly important.

Secondly, a sincere and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused. But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your child says, “I’m really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full responsibility for your actions.

And lastly, there should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the action that hurt them in the first place.

Take some time to think through what a meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Filed Under: Parenting Tips Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Thought #6: Forgiveness is necessary for a life of freedom

6 January, 2013 by 1 Comment

Forgiving someone who has done you wrong is very difficult for some people. Our human instinct tells us to hold a grudge against people who have hurt us. But we are all sinners, and we have all hurt someone in one-way or another. What if no one ever forgave? The world is bad enough as it is, but what if we held a grudge against every single person who’d wronged us; and what if everyone who we’ve ever hurt held a grudge against us? Would there even be any relationships left?

The Bible is very clear on our forgiveness of others and God’s forgiveness of us:

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. (Mark 11:25 ESV)

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 ESV)

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. (Matthew 18:21-22 ESV)

But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:15 ESV)

Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Colossians 3:13 ESV)

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23 ESV)

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. (John 13:34 ESV)

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 ESV)

Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, as been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs. (2 Corinthians 2:10-11 ESV)

If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. (1 John 4:20 ESV)

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. (Matthew 5:7 ESV)

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV)

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17021 ESV)

…And I could sit here typing all night and still not cover all of the verses instructing us on forgiveness.

We are to forgive those who sin against us. Period. Not to mention the fact that we MUST forgive others in order for Christ to forgive us! Now if that’s not reason enough…

When we hold a grudge against someone, we think about it. We give attention to it. We nurture that little grudge until it grows into a giant. And usually the person we are growing the grudge against doesn’t even know it! We are only hurting ourselves. When we harbor sin in our heart, we squeeze God out.

I worked for Wal-Mart Pharmacy for almost fifteen years. We’ve all been in Wal-Mart. It’s one place that provides plenty of opportunities to exercise our forgiveness ability. When I first began working behind that pharmacy counter, I was immediately taught one of those life lessons everyone must learn: You cannot please all people all the time. (Now you know you want to tweet that one Wink). As a perfectionist, that realization did not sit too well with me. But I had to adapt. My solution? Kill them with kindness. I’m not sure at the time that it was the Godliness in my heart that came up with that solution, but it worked. I figured if I was kind  to Mr. or Mrs. Rude Customer no matter what, they’d either change their ways and decided to calm down, or they’d go home and have a big ‘ole cloud of guilt hanging over their head. Like I said, my motives may not have been completely pure, but I do hope that by always showing kindness, I reflected Christ in that crazy Wal-Mart world.

As Christians and sinners and humans and spouses and friends and children and parents and employees and employers we have many relationships. We inevitably screw them up here and there. And there and here. And all over the place. God is the only true judge and he tells us to forgive. So who are we not to obey? When we can finally wrap our goofy little brains around the fact if God forgives us when we screw up, we should be able to hand out forgiveness to other who screw up too. After all, none of us are perfect, but hopefully we all have the same goal in mind: eternity with Jesus.

So let’s just allow God do his job as judge, forgive other as he tells us to, and make our lives so much easier!

Forgiveness saved my marriage…several times as a matter of fact…and it really is a necessary trail on the path to freedom.

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Oh and P.S.~Don’t wait for them to ask for it. Just give it freely. It’s much better that way!

Here’s a YouTube video of a Matthew West song that sums it all up. Enjoy!

Filed Under: Freedom in Christ, Ten Thoughts for a Happy, God-centered Life Tagged With: , , ,

Freedom

7 June, 2012 by Leave a Comment
What does the word “freedom” mean to you? 
  •      You’ve just been released from prison? 
  •      You are finally out of that abusive relationship you’d been in? 
  •      You are free from the bonds of an addiction? 
  •      You’ve finally paid off those student loans from school? 
  •      You finally got out of your three year old daughter’s room that she locked you in            with the lock you put on the door to lock her in? (Yes, that really happened…but thank goodness not to me!) 
One of the worse traps people put themselves in from childhood to the grave, is worrying about what other people think. Someone once gave me some very good advice, and at the time I never realized how much I would cherish it. “What other people think of you is their problem, not yours.” 
There are hundreds of ways we feel trapped, and I want to share with you the way to freedom from everything. Twenty-one months ago, I was trapped. Once God freed me from a seven-year struggle with my health, he has shown me how to have freedom in everything. Now stick with me here, I’m not saying it is EASY, but once you get a taste of how sweet freedom in Christ is, you’ll never want to turn back. 
    
Freedom in forgiveness—In Matthew 18:21-22, God tells us to forgive those who have wronged us. How many times? Seventy times seven. When you can let go of a grudge…truly forgive the person who has wronged you and let God be their judge, you would be amazed at the weight lifted from your shoulders.
Then Peter came up and said to him,
 “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? 
As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him,
 “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”
He also tells us in Mark 11:25, in order for God to forgive our sins, we must forgive those who have sinned against us. Now if that isn’t enough reason to forgive, I don’t know what is! 
And whenever you stand praying, forgive,
 if you have anything against anyone, 
so that your Father also who is in heaven 
may forgive you your trespasses. 
Freedom from worry—God tells us not to worry. By worrying about something does it do you any good? Does the situation change by worrying about it? No. Action may change it, but worry doesn’t. 
Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin… (Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 ESV)
Freedom from fear—Everyone is afraid of something. But just like worry, does fear really do us any good? An action that helps us with that fear is good, but the fear itself is in vain. In a previous blog (Life is good, Eternity is better) I shared a story about Jeff Strueker faced with a life and death situation during the gulf war. He could fear death, but instead he chose to look at it like this: If he died in battle, he would get to receive his award in heaven and begin his eternity with Jesus. If he survived, he would gain his reward here, go back home to his wife and continue God’s work. Win-win.  
For God gave us a spirit not of fear 
but of power and love and self-control. 
(2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)
 So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 10:26-33 ESV)
Fear of the Lord himself is the only fear that should drive our actions. He is our creator, our judge, and our savior, and is the only one who decides our eternity. 
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; 
fools despise wisdom and instruction. 
(Proverbs 1:7 ESV)
In the prescribed verse of the day, God tells us that we will have troubles in this world. We know that. The part we need to remember so well is “I have overcome the world.” We get so easily caught up in our troubles of this world. And while we must deal with them accordingly, if we can remember that someday this world will be no more and look at the bigger picture, maybe our grudges, worries, and fears will be a little easier to let go. Freedom in Christ is an amazing way to live.
I have a little leather bracelet that helps me remember not to let my thoughts imprison me. Embossed in the leather are the simple words, “Change your thoughts and you will change your world.” 

Freedom. 
From my heart, 

Celeste
P.S. If you are a blogger and post a blog about freedom, be sure to enter to win a free blog design that Ashley and George are offering over at Tekeme Studios. Click here for the link 😉 Just by commenting on this blog post you’ll be entered for the drawing once! Just be sure and leave your e-mail address in the comment. (No spam, I promise!)
Filed Under: Fighting Your Fears, Freedom in Christ, Living in Faith, Living with Purpose Tagged With: , , , ,

Tips to a Happier You in 2012~Forgiveness

25 February, 2012 by 2 Comments

Today’s tip to a happier you is forgiveness. 


First, forgive me for such a quick post today. I have been invited to speak this weekend, so I’ve been busy preparing (and biting my nails =o/) and haven’t had time to spend much time blogging this week. 


God commands us to forgive over and over again in His word. 


Holding a grudge only hurts the one holding it. It can consume and destroy you from the inside out. 


I am short on time, but know that I love each and every one of you who read my blog, so I am leaving you in very capable hands today with a link to a post by Ann Voskamp at “A Holy Experience”  on forgiveness. Her writing style is unlike any other, and I love her photography! I hope you enjoy it! 

From my heart,

Celeste
Filed Under: Beating Depression, Freedom in Christ, How to be Happy, Making Changes, Real Relationships, Tips to a Happier You Tagged With: ,

How is Your Heart Condition?

7 August, 2011 by Leave a Comment

What if everyone could read your mind?

Your boss is giving you specific instructions on how to handle a delicate matter at work, and all you can think about is that piece of spinach caught in his teeth.
Your friend is pouring out her heart to you…again…and all you can think about is “what stupid mess has she gotten herself into this time?”

It would be quite difficult to keep a job or maintain a friendship, wouldn’t it?

We’ve all seen some television show or movie that added this twist to make things interesting. God, in his infinite wisdom, created us in such a way that we can’t read minds, but as a relationship develops, we can begin to understand certain things about the people we know well. No one, however, can know exactly what we are thinking all the time except God. He has a closed circuit television hooked up to each and every one of us. He always knows our thoughts, and always knows the condition of our hearts.When God looks into your heart, what does he see? I’m sure glad that when he sent his son to die on the cross for our sins, because when we are forgiven of our sins, we are also forgiven for the condition of our heart. But when I stand before God someday, despite all my imperfections, I want to know that I did my best to improve my heart condition.A few days ago, I blogged about Sunday’s sermon, “Following Jesus a Day at a Time,” and the ongoing questions concerning the baptist belief of “once saved, always saved.” So let’s take it one step further. We realize that salvation is a gift that we cannot work for and do not deserve, but can only accept. Once we accept Christ as our savior, we must then pursue him…always.

I know you’ve all heard “what goes in, must come out.” What we put into our minds…and our hearts…is what comes out. We want to protect ourselves from bad television, movies, music, etc…and not put ourselves in tempting situations, but no matter how hard we try, we cannot protect ourselves completely, because we live in a fallen world. What we CAN do is fill our minds with the good stuff…the God stuff. Uplifting music, good friends, worshipping with fellow believers, sharing Christ, reading the Bible, praying and listening…all of these empower us and give us the defenses we need against the bad stuff.

Let me give you a challenge that I gave myself…when you make your “to do” list for each day, write over to the side just three things you will do to improve your heart condition. Whether it’s music, bible study, specific prayer for someone…whatever…commit to yourself and God that you will do those few things on your list each day. Continue this for one month, and see where you are. If you can give God these little invitations into your heart, he will begin to work there, and I promise with a genuine effort, you can’t help but be changed. In one month from today, you may have greatly improved your heart condition!


From my heart, 
Celeste

Filed Under: Your Relationship with God Tagged With: , , , , ,